here is a heavily skewed and embellished story from our camping trip this weekend:


it was late afternoon when we landed on a sandbar to camp on. the sun was beating down, and we decided to build a lean-to over the tents with jennifer's tarp. i trekked to the far side of the island, found a giant 10 foot branch, and dragged it back to the campsite. we drove it into the wet sand as best we could, piled more sand over the base, and tied a tarp to it.

i poked the branch apprehensively. "it's not sturdy," i said, "i think it's gonna fall over."

"nonsense," they scoffed.

i tested it again. it wobbled. "i really think it will fall, and it will hit someone," I insisted.

"don't be paranoid," they smirked.

a gust of wind filled out the tarp, and died down. "what if the wind catches the tarp and pulls it down?" I asked. "it'll fall on our heads."

"yes, and what if space aliens come down and beat us all to death with light sabers," they snickered.

and they took a nap under the tarp, and I skirted around it, unconvinced. i swam for a while, and then walked around gathering firewood. i sat in my tent, all the while watching the branch, and with each gust of wind that tugged on it, my heart skipped a few beats.

an hour later, the lean-to was still standing, and i was getting hot. i wanted very badly to sit in the shade. the tarp had held so far, i thought. maybe they're right, i thought. maybe i'm being utterly paranoid. the branch isn't going to fall any time soon.

so I climbed out of the tent, and sat on a blanket in the shade, and nibbled on peanuts and m&ms. and just as i was starting to feel confident, a mighty gust of wind caught the tarp and blew it over, bringing the fucking branch down RIGHT ON MY HEAD.

and i held the place on my forehead where the bastard had suckersmacked me and i shouted "I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT."

and then denise put a bandaid on my head where it was bleeding, and david gave me a guinness, and i held an ice-pack on it to slow the swelling, and we sat in the river and drank beer and everything was fine.

and I realized that the exact thing that had been terrifying me, the exact thing i said was going to happen and was panicking about, that exact thing had happened, and the world hadn't ended, and no one had died. in fact, as denise pointed out, the whole episode ended with me sitting in a river and drinking guinness, which is a pretty satisfactory way for things to end.


later, when the sun had gone down, and jennifer started dismantling the lean-to, it slipped out of her hands and tried to fall on my leg. it missed, but it had shown its true colors.

the branch was unrepetent.

rehabilitation was out of the question.

"NON-RÉCUPERABLE!" i shouted, and flung it into the river, where it drowned.


*fin*